Wow.

Well... I started writing this post back in February... yikes. That's a long time ago... but I never published it. Not sure why... anyway, this is it, unedited. Seems fitting to post a year later.

So, it's been a really long time since my last blog post. There may not be anybody reading anymore, but I'm going to write this post anyway cause it's probably more for myself than it is for anyone else.

The past several months have been a whirlwind. It would be difficult, if not impossible, to express all the emotions I have felt during this process.

There was one night, though, that will probably stand out in my mind for a very long time, if not forever. The night we loaded the uhaul. We were in a relatively small house for our family size, but we had a LOT of stuff in it. The weeks prior to loading, my husband was out of town. Lets just say that packing was interesting with my husband gone and five kids to take care of... but somehow I had pretty much everything packed. The uhaul was there, everything was packed, and we had LOTS of dear friends that we L-O-V-E there to help us. By anyone's standard, we were ready to load up. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am normally a good decision maker, and a lot of times a take charge person. That night was so different, though. I felt like a deer in headlights and, for lack of a better word, I froze. It was like I was incapable of doing anything. It was strange. The house was nasty... the kitchen floor was coming up (we were having it replaced when everything was out)... but I didn't care. All these people in my house, and it didn't bother me even one little bit that it was gross. All our stuff wasn't going to fit, that was apparent, and I was having to make decisions about what to take and what to leave behind. Looking back I was pretty much worthless that night. I was functioning and smiling and having conversations, but when it came to anything that had to do with loading... I was pretty much worthless. I'd say the night was a blur, but I remember everything. Every conversation, every hug, every little detail is forever etched in my memory.

I've wondered off and on since the move why that night was that way. Maybe it's because I didn't want to leave? Maybe it's because, in that moment, the people around me were way more important to me than my stuff being loaded.... I honestly have no idea.

One thing people don't always realize about me is that I sometimes, at the end of the day, I go over the things I've said in public that day.... I think about what I regret saying and what I should have said differently... I think about the things people said to me and wonder how they are doing. Some days there is a lot of thinking for me to do!! Ha! :-) But, that night, I didn't do that. That night, I laid there and marveled at how loved I am. I was in disbelief at how many people care about me... really care... not just "oh, you're so awesome... I like your shoes" kind of like me... but "I am here for anything you need" love me.

Honesty...

I am so distracted and stressed! Yikes!

If you've read my previous posts you know that my husband is being transferred within his company and we will be moving in the coming weeks. It's just a stressful time and a time filled with questions and a LOT of waiting.

The cool thing is that I'm not worried. You know that children's Bible song "I've go the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart!"? Have you ever heard the verse "I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart!"? It's a cool verse and it is my testimony lately. I do have peace in the midst of uncertainty and stress.

The not-so-cool thing is that I am so unfocused and distracted. I find my mind wandering to the "what-ifs" and find myself trying to plan out the next few months... which is impossible right now. There isn't a plan to be made until we have some questions answered, so thinking through it all over and over is pretty pointless. But it is involuntary for me right now... my mind will wander and then all of a sudden I'll snap back to reality and try to remember what I was doing - ha!

It's hard to explain how I can be distracted and stressed, but not worried. I assure you that it's not my doing, but God's. Even in the midst of my planning and distracted "what-if" thoughts, I know... I KNOW that we are going to be fine. I know that God has a purpose and a plan in all this. He's just choosing not to share it with us yet :-)

We are still sad at the prospect of leaving the people we love, our kids school, our church, my playgroup, and I could go on... it is just sad :( I think that is why I have such a need for a plan. A plan is a lot easier for me to focus on than the goodbyes we will be having to say all too soon. I know that they won't be forever goodbyes, but it will still be difficult for us.

I am confident that we will look back on this time in our lives and remember it as a difficult time, but I am also confident that we will look back on this time and see where God's hand was on us the whole time... directing us and guiding us toward a purpose we cannot see right now.

I have that confidence... but it doesn't take away the fact that this is hard.

So... that's where I am.. honestly :-)

Be blessed!

How Do I Do It?

When I sit down and put pen to paper and list all my responsibilities I can get overwhelmed just trying to remember them all. Aren't most of us that way, though? I guess that's why we don't do it very often! I had a brief thought to try to make a list here, but got overwhelmed just thinking about it!

My life is full and I love it! I have my marriage, 5 kids, church activities, school activities, sports activities, friends, and on and on. People ask me how I do it and I'm never sure how to answer that question, but I give it a shot if they really want to know!

One key thing to realize is that what works for one family doesn't work for every family. I remember looking at women who I thought were amazing and "had it all together" and wanting to be just like them. Over time I realized that "having it all together" is relative and is really an illusion a lot of the time. I also realized that I am not those women! I have to do what works best for me and my family. So, I should get to know them and learn from them and then take that information to heart and apply it in a way that works best for my home. Easier said than done, though!

Managing my home is more challenging during some times of the year than others. But on the average day, here are some things that help me:

--Prayer. It may sound like something people just say, but I mean it. My faith is important to me and carries me through.

--Saying no! If I am asked to do something that doesn't line up with what is best for my family, even if it is a good thing, I have to say no. This gets easier each time I do it.

--Simplify. My two year old does not need a room full of toys and my 7 year old does not need 30 outfits or 7 pairs of shoes (neither do I!). We keep what we need and give the rest to other people. (We love hand-me-downs and get them a lot!) This helps with clean up time and laundry. The less we have the less there is to clean up and wash. Please do not think that my children don't have any toys or clothes. They have plenty and we still have toys that aren't really played with other than to dump them on the floor. That's apparently a two year old thing! But simplifying our home has played a key role in getting on top of managing it.

--Limits. My children are limited to one "sport" per school year. We feel it is important to be at home as a family for supper reasonably often and that is nearly impossible if our children do more extra-curricular activities than this. My 10 year old boy and 7 year old girl will be playing soccer this year, and my 5 year old girl will be taking a ballet class. The 2 year old and 1 year old boys aren't old enough yet! As my children get older I realize this will get harder because of school clubs and other things, but we have set a precedent in our home that our kids understand. They may have to say no to some things. And, really, that's okay.

--Planning. I am a calendar person! When a note comes home from school that a function is coming up, it immediately goes on the calendar. I also keep a master shopping list and if a note comes home asking me to bring an item, it immediately goes on the list. The only problem with this is that I do my shopping once a week, so if it's needed more quickly than that I have to have my husband grab it on his way home from work. That doesn't happen often, though.

--Meal planning. Every Monday evening I sit down and plan all the meals through the next Monday evening so that I can have my shopping list ready to shop on Tuesday morning.

--Flexibility. My husband has a job where he can get called in last minute, so sometimes I have to improvise when it comes to getting everyone where they need to go. It stresses me out! But I have (sort of) learned to be flexible. Most of the time my husband will run the kids to their sports activities as much as possible so I can get supper cooked and the other children bathed.

--Willingness to change. If my life is a struggle and something we are doing isn't working, my husband and I figure out what can be done to fix it... and we do it. Waking up every day dreading what the day will bring is just not a way we are willing to live on a regular basis, so we do what we can to change it when that happens.

I could probably go on, but there is only one more thing I simply have to mention and most days is what determines what kind of day it will be... and that thing... is ATTITUDE. My attitude is key. For one thing, attitude appears to be contagious. If I have a rotten attitude it doesn't take long before my husband and kids share that attitude. Then the day tends to go downhill from there.

Confession time! Quite honestly, there are several things that trigger a bad attitude in me. Hopefully that's not just me! It is somewhat freeing to know what my triggers are so I can be on guard. My biggest trigger is being late. I can't stand to be late!!! If I think I'm going to be late I'll start yelling at the kids to hurry and getting all huffy and angry. It's not pretty. I'm improving a lot in this area, though! Mostly because I make sure I'm not late, but if something crazy happens and I will be late... well... I'm working on it! Other things that completely ruin my attitude are negative, complaining people and things like flat tires or the internet going out.

I am learning, though. I am learning that it is impossible to be a successful wife, mom, church member, or friend if I have a bad attitude. So, when things start to go downhill like it did today when I was almost late picking my kids up from school because my 2 year old had hidden my keys in his toy box... I take a deep breath, pray, and ask God to help me.

I am thankful for my full life! There is never a dull moment... that's for sure!

Just Stuff..

I was all prepared to write some inspired post on patience or decision making or something "important" like that, but the words just would not come, so... I'm just going to let y'all know what's going on :-)

Life goes on in the midst of decision making and big life changes... my family still needs to eat and school is still in session and laundry still needs to be washed, dried, folded, and put away (laundry is my least favorite chore! - ha!). For several days I avoided everything but the bare minimum of the household chores, but then my husband ran out of clean underwear - ha! So, back to it!

I made a doctor's appointment today cause I've been having some strange symptoms. I couldn't get in for a couple weeks, but I will hopefully get some answers then. It is entirely possible my symptoms are all stress related, though.

My older two kids had their first soccer games. They both lost, but still had fun :) My son's game was really close and the other team scored at the last minute. My daughter's game wasn't even close. They played hard, though, and enjoyed themselves :-) My son is actually a pretty good soccer player. My 5 year old started a ballet class out at MCC and we are in love with her instructor :) I loooove her accent and she is great with the kids. My daughter isn't showing any signs of raw talent, but it's still early... and she's having fun :) Can you tell that fun is our goal with our extra-curricular activities? :-)

My Sunday School class is doing something really exciting! We are starting a downtown Bible Study called City Gate. It will start out being one Saturday night a month and is open to everybody, so if you are interested in more information let me know! The first one is Oct 23rd at 6pm at Union Station in the upstairs meeting room. It will be great! Please come :)

I should go fold some clothes... have a great day!

Tomorrow

Well, the saying "you never know what tomorrow holds" is very real in my life right now. We got news that my husband's plant is shutting down permanently. We will be moving soon. He'll be working at a different plant within the same company.

How is it that one moment everything is rolling along just great and then all of a sudden "BAM!" everything changes?

It's not all that surprising I suppose. It's happened to us before... and it will happen to us again. That's just life. That still doesn't make it any less shocking when it happens, though.

This will be a hard and sad time for our family. We have sooo many people that we truly love here. We've invested our lives here. There are so many people we will miss terribly.

That being said, anyone who knows me well, knows that I'm not the negative wallowing type, so.... I'm about to make a list of things that have blessed me during this time of confusion....

---We still have a job! My amazing husband is great at what he does and an asset to the company... what a huge blessing! A move is better than being unsure of whether we'll have a paycheck coming at all anytime soon. There are many people in that boat and I'm thankful we're not in it. I love you sweetie!

---We feel so incredibly LOVED. It's not good that the people we love are sad :( I don't want them to be sad... but they are sad because they love us and don't want to see us go. It just means so much to me that we have been blessed with such amazing friends, church family, and school family here in Meridian. From the moment we started telling people what is happening, we have received an outpouring of love and encouragement. We are blessed.

---Our marriage is strong. My husband really is my best friend. We are there for each other. Yesterday was a roller coaster... one moment I was weak and sad and he held me, the next moment he was sad and I held him... then there were the moments we were both sad and we held each other. I cannot imagine what it would be like to go through a difficult time without him.

---God loves us!! Y'all know I'm very real about things... I'm not going to gloss over the negative in a way that makes it seem the negative isn't there at all. I have questioned why this is happening and I have felt frustration and anger and confusion. Yep, I have. And I will again, I'm sure. But at the end of the day, I trust God. He is sufficient. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me!

So... there are a few of the positives in my life right now. I am not naive enough to think that the negatives won't get the best of me in the weak moments, but with the support and love of my friends and family we will be okay. God is faithful, even when He doesn't make sense to us in the moment.

I'll post more on our move later :-)

Update on Sugar :-)

Well, it's been over a week since my last post and I still haven't had sugar!!! This is huge for me... huge. I'm not doing low carb stuff or anything... I'm still eating fruit, but I am not eating any sugary snacks or junk. I also am not drinking sugary drinks, which isn't as huge because I'm really not a fan of sugary drinks other than a certain punch I make and I just won't make that!

The really big test for me with this was yesterday. One of my daughters turned 7 yesterday! Happy birthday sweet girl! Anyway, I was taking cupcakes to her classroom at school to celebrate. I should say that birthday cake is my biggest weakness when it comes to sweets... I LOVE birthday cake... homemade birthday cake with buttercream icing... and this was it! Well, I at ZERO cupcakes! And I licked NO icing off of spoons and beaters while I was cooking. NONE.

This may sound kind of childish and silly for me to make a big deal of this, but it's really a big deal for me.

I'm not going off processed sugar permanently, but I plan to stay off of it for a little while. The cravings are a lot better than they were the first few days and my mood is a LOT better. Lots better. Which is a good thing :-)

So, I'll keep y'all updated as to my progress with this.

Soccer is starting up! It's going to be interesting! We already have a scheduling conflict... two kids have practice at the same time at different fields (different ends of town). Thankfully my husband can help me that day, but I'm praying it's not a sign of things to come!

It's going to be a great year!

What to say?

It's been a while since I've posted, so I feel the need to update :)

I'll just be honest about my life....

I just started typing up three different posts but couldn't figure out how to say what I wanted to say without sounding rude, so I decided to save them for later :)

Life is going really well! All three of my older kids are loving their classes this year which is helpful to a momma's heart :) Middle school has proven to be better than I expected it to be, which is wonderful! My oldest is enjoying it so far :-)

My mood, on the other hand, is not great. I have PMS and have stopped eating processed sugar... those two things combined make for one nasty mood. I'm not quitting sugar for good, but my sugar intake was out of hand, so I'm detoxing from it for a little bit. I've done this before and once the first few days of "detox" are over I feel much better and have more self-control about sugar. To clarify, I'm not doing any kind of detox program... I'm just not eating processed sugar and making sure I drink lots of water. So.... I'm grumpy!

Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who I can be honest with and who will support me in times of grumpiness :) I just tell him what's going on and he is understanding and helps out with the kids a lot.... especially when one or more of them are driving me crazy and I need to step away for a minute so I won't lose my cool. That happened tonight with my 5 year old. It seemed she was on a mission all afternoon to push every button I have to make me angry... yikes! After my husband was home and everyone ate supper, she did one more thing... and that one more thing made me want to scream and yell and slam doors and basically throw a two year old fit... but I didn't. Instead I looked and my husband, gave him a "look", and simply said "I can't." Well, he knows me and is wonderful, so he went in and dealt with her (made her clean up the food she had purposely spread all over the floor) and I had a "time out" in my bedroom :-) After a few minutes in my room I was okay again and re-joined the family :-)

So... that's my life right now :-) Pray my mood will get better quickly, please! My family will thank you - ha!