But that doesn't mean I'm judging people who make different choices than I do.
Why is this so hard for people to understand? If I say that I feel like I have made the best choices for my family, then (some of) the people around me get defensive and act like I am critical of their choices. Most of the time I am not. Occasionally I get in a critical mood and have critical thoughts... I'd be lying if I said I don't... but later I'll come to my senses and realize that I shouldn't criticize that person. And rarely... like almost never... do I tell other people that they are wrong for their choices. But even still... it seems that people (I'm generally talking women here mostly because I'm around women all the time) get defensive toward others who make different choices than they do.
And I'm not talking about just myself here.... I watch this play out in conversations all the time. I'm going to give an example of how I see conversations play out... these are made up names :)
Sarah: I can't figure out why my baby has reflux... maybe I should change formula?
Becky: I don't know... I've breastfed my babies and they didn't have reflux.
Sarah: I tried to breastfeed but it didn't work so now I'm trying to figure out this formula thing.
Becky: The first several weeks of breastfeeding is so hard! I hope you get the reflux figured out.
So... normal conversation, right? No big deal. Except that after Becky leaves, Sarah turns to me and says "I know she thinks it's my fault that my baby has reflux since I'm not nursing."
Huh? Why do people go there? Becky didn't say that. Why does Sarah assume that? Why do we think the worst of each other?
I do realize there are some overly-critical people out there.... and those people are wrong to be that way.
But there are a lot of us out there that feel we make the best choices for our own families... and at the same time trust that you are making the best choices for your family. Even if those choices are different. What works for one home doesn't necessarily work in another home... and we usually have no idea why people have made certain choices, so why judge them?
And for those people who are the overly-critical, judgmental type... some food for thought... the people in your life that you think are so "wrong" may be avoiding doing what you want them to do simply because they have no desire to be like you. And why would they? If you are mean and critical all the time... why would they take your advice? Just a thought.
A lot of the time, though, we read criticism into the things people say.... when, in reality, we are not being criticized. Maybe we get defensive because we are insecure about our choices? Maybe we have trust issues? Maybe we are just paranoid? But, in the end, if we know we are making the right choices for our family... then we shouldn't feel the need to apologize for thinking those choices are best. We should be confident in what we know is best for our homes. And we should stop assuming that people who make different choices are out to get us. If we avoid everyone who is different from us, then we miss out on a lot of great people.
My experience anyway :-)
I struggle with this question a LOT. I think the problem is most severe among new moms because they feel so vulnerable and are trying so incredibly hard to figure it all out. They feel like everyone is judging them and there is this underlying fear that they are not good mothers. As the children age, I think some of that defensiveness, thankfully, does ease.
ReplyDeleteI am wondering, however, if it all resurfaces again in the teenage years, when mothers are again feeling particularly scared and vulnerable.
Another variation of what you are describing here is people who somehow manage to be irritated by your happiness or contentment. It's like they think the fact that you are happy is an indictment on the fact that you are not. Maddening and incredibly difficult to diffuse without lying about your own happiness! But, that's probably another post entirely, right?
Oops. In that last paragraph I meant to say an indictment that THEY are not.
ReplyDeleteI agree completely! It will be interesting to see how this plays out when mine are teenagers. The teen years are SO hard!
ReplyDeleteThe happiness thing is a different post for sure! It is hard sometimes to be empathetic towards people who are unhappy without feeling the need to "play down" my own happiness. Great point!
Thanks for sharing!