It's always been interesting and confusing to me when I see families with multiple children and some of the children thrive in the home and others don't. I can't even count the number of families I've known where there was one child who thrived and respected their parents and another child who seemed depressed and resentful of their parents.
I'm sure there are multiple reasons for situations like this and I don't want to pretend to be an expert (I'm not!) or try and over-simplify the dynamics of family life. But there is something I've observed that I think may be a contributing factor.
As parents, we have values and principles and rules and parenting techniques that are unique to our families... and that makes perfect sense, of course. What works in your home may not work in my home and vice versa. But I think that's too simple... I think sometimes we need to use different techniques with different children within the same home.
It seems simple enough. My children are very different from each other. Discipline that works for one child does not work for another and what motivates one child does not motivate another. What makes them feel loved and special is not the same for all of my children.
So, what's the problem? I think part of the problem is fairness. We, as parents, want to be "fair". If I take one child out for a special ice cream treat, I feel like I need to do that for all my children. If one child gets to have a spend the night friend I feel like I should let the others have a friend too. And on and on it goes... and then we get frustrated when we can't keep up with everything for everybody.
It seems a trap that is easy to get caught up in. I know a lot of homes have ages where children are allowed to do certain things... when you are 8 you can watch this movie... when you are 16 you can drive... when you are 45 you can start dating ;). But one child may be able to handle a movie at 8 years old while the other would have nightmares at that age. One child may be a very responsible driver at 16 and another may not.
So, when my children notice I'm doing things differently for each of them and cry "it's not fair!".. what do I do?
Well, I could give in and treat all of them the same... but I don't think that's the right thing to do. They are different people and don't need the same things. I could say "life's not fair, deal with it." but I don't think that's right either.
I think I should talk through it with each of them. Explain my reasons for what I do.... explain that taking electronics time away from my 9 year old is something that will change his behavior, but means nothing to my 4 year old. Explain that, as their parents, it is our job to learn about and get to know each child individually and not to treat them as one unit. Give each child several choices of fun things to do and discover what each individual child enjoys... not assume that just because my 6 year old LOVES to go shopping at Walmart with me, that my 9 year old wants that too (he hates it!).
So, I'm not going to be "fair" :-) I'm going to do my best to discover what makes each of my children tick... what makes them feel loved and special... what motivates them to love God and other people... what helps them understand the hard things in life... what they can handle at what ages... and even though it may not be "fair", I hope and pray that it will be what's best for them.
I sure do love those little people :-)
Juliet - having been a teacher for several years now, I try to explain to my students that fair is NOT getting what everyone else gets. Fair is getting what YOU need to become a better person, student, child, etc. Since every person is different, what's "fair" for each can also be different. The thoughtful ones understand this! The others would still find something to complain about even if "fair" meant "same!"
ReplyDeleteI love that Lib! I'm going to have to use this with my kids :) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteKeep in mind the number of parents that show such obvious favoritism. I saw this much too often when I worked pediatrics long ago. Unfortunately social workers can't do anything except advise correcting their parenting skills..legally as long as the child is not being berated, hit, starving or without housing or clothing..you can't really do anything about a parent that does not 'like' their own child. Its probably the saddest part of my nursing career. Until then I never knew a parent, loves their child, but just doesn't like them. Drs come up with all kinds of explanations but those do not help the child or the mother without counseling..and counseling is not financially available to the mass of general ppl.
ReplyDeleteIts seen mostly in homes where one child is handsome/beautiful and the other is average/homely. I am guessing that is where the often said.."treated like a red-headed stepchild" came from.
I understand all too well the fair game from my own sons lol. I gave up trying to explain by the time they hit their teens and just said oh well life isnt fair but sometimes thats how life rolls. Figure if they can't figure it out all these yrs of explaining...its because they just want their way. I was very blessed with two wonderful sons that I am so very proud of..different as night and day and it makes life so much more interesting that they are. I have always loved the total different personalities and yes, very different way we had to handle them. Wonderful blog and ty for posting it :)